This past weekend, Mike, Ken, John, Jonathan, Isaac, and I made our way up to Sherwood Forest Faire. It is a renaissance faire that is much smaller than the Texas Renaissance Faire we attend in the fall. It’s about two-hours away vs. the four Houston trip and so, for the second year in a row, we just made a day trip of it. I blew about 70 bucks on a rental and drove us up and back. We all had a blast! Ken wore his Roman soldier armor, and Isaac and I wore our senatorial robes. Though I could certainly do an hour-by-hour replay, I will save you all the trouble by only highlighting two of our favorite moments! Needless to say, the mead was flowing; otherwise, we wouldn’t be nearly as bold as we were!
To begin with, once we got there, we wanted to show Mike the jousting—yes, Mike is a Renaissance Virgin. So we headed over to the lists—that’s where the jousting takes place—but realized we were a half-hour too early. We went, instead, to get some food. We approached a vendor that sold all kinds of fried stuff: mushrooms, fries, sausages (Italian and Polish), artichoke, steak on a stick, and various other oil-immersed goodies. Isaac was eyeing the sausage, and I wanted the artichoke. It smelled delicious and I guess everyone else thought so too because there was a rather lengthy line waiting for service. We took our place in line and watched the vendor—simply because he was so animated. The vendor was announcing each order in a loud, comical manner, and asking for the currency in pounds. Of course, we all knew he meant dollars and everyone went along with it. Isaac was enchanted with this guy especially since he really made a big deal whenever he was tipped! It went something like this:
“ OOOOne order of sausage and fries!!!!! That’ll be 8 pounds, my Looooord! Neeeeext!!!!” But before the guy left, he took his change and left a dollar in the tip jar. “ Ooooooh! We have a tipper!!! Thank you, sir!!!! Thank you! Many blessings on your hhhooouse! Neeeeext!!!”
This went on for every customer. I guess Isaac thought this guy was doing an awesome job at entertaining us because when Isaac’s turn came up, he left the guy a couple of dollars but they were folded up in such a way as to like a bunch of bills. In a louder (if that was possible) voice, the vendor really shot off and said,
“Ooooh! Thank you, my Loord!!! You are toooo generous! Somebody give that man a kiss! Somebody kiss’em!”
Isaac, however, just laughing the whole thing off, turned around and started walking towards me—as I had moved out of the line to make it easier for everyone. The vendor, however, wasn’t giving up:
“Haaang on!!! Sir! Sir! You sir!! Is no one gonna kiss that man!!!??!! Hey you!!!”
By this time, people stopped and turned and those in line stopped Isaac to tell him the vendor was talking to him.
“Come back here! If no one is gonna kiss you, then I’ll do it myself!!!!”
At this, everyone broke into laughter but I quickly put myself in front of Isaac and shouted back!
“OOOh hell no! This is my boyfriend! No one kisses him except me!!!!!”
“Well, give him a kiss then!!!!”
At that, I spun around and planted a kiss squarely on Isaac right in front of everyone! I didn’t give a damn! I was claiming what’s mine! We got some cheers and some claps but I think everyone just looked away! HA!!!
The second incident happened much later in the day after poor Isaac was really tanked. We were winding up the day with a final trip to the hatchet throwing booth—seeing Isaac and Jonathan throw hatchets while drunk is hilarious as hell—when we were stopped by one of the park employees. He announced himself as John Little. And, yes, he certainly did look the part! He was a tall burly man with a rosy nose and cheeks.
“Pardon me, my lords, I pray thee a word. Today I am going to get married but those two guards guarding the chapel won’t let me in! Seeing how you two are dressed so, you must be lords of Rome (At this point, he notices Isaac has purple trim on his toga) In fact, you must be Caesar! That means you must be Brutus (me) and he (Ken) must be your Praetorian Guard! I am certain with masters such as you accompanying me, I can get me in the chapel! (Directed to Ken) You look scary enough! Show me your war face!”
At that, Ken says: “Grrrr.” Not shouts. Not growls out. Not even a nasty cat grrr. He just lifts his lip while standing there and says: “Grrrr.”
“You see?!” continues Little John, “with that, I’m sure we can get in! So will you help me so I can get married?”
Keep in mind, he is saying this in a loud voice and we are definitely in ear shot of—oh, it seems—the entire park so suffice it to say that put us on the spot to help this character. Ken shrugs at me and Isaac is waiting for me to respond and I just can’t pass this golden opportunity up so we swing around and march right up to the chapel. Little John is delighted and he leads us. We get there and just as Little John steps up, these two (Latinos) English guards stop Little John and bark out:
“No, no, no! We already told you; you are not allowed in here. The Sheriff of Nottingham is already inside and he left strict orders for you and any of your lot not to be allowed admittance.
“But…but…but…I have two lords and…and…they want me to show them the chapel!”
Realizing what is happening, Isaac turns to me and asks, “Please speak for me? “And I respond, “Uh uh, this one is all yours. Do it! Just have fun with it!” He looks up to Little John and steels himself. He then steps around Little John and yells out,
“Do you know who I am! I am Caesar! Emperor of GREECE!” <---silly me, and here I thought we were Romans.
The guards look like they’ve been slapped in the face! I can’t tell whether they are surprised by his outburst or whether they are trying not to laugh but they repeat the title over to each other:
“ Caesar of Greece?! Ceasar of Greece?! Oh! That sounds important!”
Without missing a beat, Isaac continues: “I’m here with Brutus (points to me) and my guard (Ken says grrr.) and we want to see this chapel!”
“Well,” says the guard shifting uncomfortably, “we better let you in then.”
Poor Isaac is never gonna live this one down!
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